Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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