You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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