The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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