So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
