I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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