a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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