What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
