hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
