I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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