i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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