Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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