I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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