My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
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This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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