i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
