Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
