I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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