Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
