If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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