yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
