I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
People in love make me want to vomit
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
They left me at home... I'm a liability
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
