Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
we should paint friendship bongs
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