After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
