The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
did i just pee glitter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
