I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
