You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
sarcasm needs its own font
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
