I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
