God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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