He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
