and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
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