I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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