apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
