i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
