I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize