Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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