you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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