how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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