11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
