did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
