ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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