I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Even my vagina gasped.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
