I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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