what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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