come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
