I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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