I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
