i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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