There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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