I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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