I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.