sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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