The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
