my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
