fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
