It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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