Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
