yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
