So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
