YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
